72: How to Prioritize Yourself Without Feeling Selfish

SaCola Lehr (00:03.138)
Have you ever put everyone else first and then wondered why you're the one left running on empty? If you've ever felt a twinge of guilt just for taking a break, declining a request or doing something just for you, you're not alone. In today's episode, we're going to be digging deep into conversation that hits home for so many women, the guilt that comes with prioritizing ourselves.

Welcome back to another episode of Work it, Live it, Own it! where we learn how to thrive in life and career. Today's episode, we're going to be exploring why guilt shows up in the first place, especially for women juggling careers, caregiving and community responsibilities. I'm your hostess, SaCola Lehr, your work life harmony strategist, and we're going to dive a little bit deeper. We're not just going to stop there.

We're going to be diving into practical mindset shifts in real life strategies. You know, I love giving you guys real life strategies that you can take away and implement right away. So you can start putting yourself first without apology because here's the truth. Prioritizing ourselves isn't selfish. It's essential. So let's dive in. We're going to actually going to talk about why we as women struggle with guilt in the first place.

When and then we're going to talk about that mind set shift. You know, I'm all about the mindset shift guys. And then I love giving you some real talk and a personal challenge that you can take away and implement today. So without further ado, let's dive into why we struggle with guilt in the first place. So here's three reasons, cultural conditioning, the martyr mindset and fear of judgment.

Here are three main reasons why I think we as women struggle with guilt. And first, let's talk about cultural conditioning. From an early age, many of us were praised for being good girls, which often translated into being very nice, people pleasing, being selfish, quiet, helpful, and agreeable. We're taught that our value comes from how much we give to others.

SaCola Lehr (02:28.94)
Ever felt like that? You ever felt like I need to make these good grades so that way everyone can be happy? But didn't making good grades in school give us satisfaction? I'm, look, I come from academic arena. I've been in education for over 25 years. So yes, I do encourage people to strive to do their personal best, but it comes at a cost of are we doing things that are pleasing for us?

Or are we doing it to please other people? Are we doing it to meet the expectations of our family, our community, our society? This leads us into the martyr mindset because somewhere along the way, exhaustion and overexertion got romanticized. You know, let's do multitasking because I'm a great multitasker.

But here's the thing, to me personally, being a multitasker is highly overrated. Because if you're not drained, are you even doing enough? If the mindset, this type of mindset creeps in, especially when it comes to caregivers, educators, entrepreneurs, and anyone holding up communities or families, we have to do what we need to do.

to take care of other people. Because if we don't take care of other people, then it seems like we're slacking. We're not doing enough. You ever felt that way? And then comes the fear of judgment. Because if we're not doing enough and we're not taking care of everything around us, everyone around us, then there's this unspoken pressure that if you set a boundary or

The moment you say no or, I want to take some time off. You're somehow letting others down or better yet.

SaCola Lehr (04:32.834)
you're being difficult or sometimes you're just being called the B word. Let's just be honest because the moment we say no, what's her problem? she's acting like a real B. We've, we've heard that. Right. So I want to tell you something. I never forget the first time I scheduled a whole entire VIP spa day and the entire time I worked the whole school year.

saved up my coins, guys. I got a bonus check at the end of the year. And I said, you know what? I'm going to schedule a VIP spa day just for me. And you know, the whole time I was sitting there, I was enjoying myself. But in the back of my mind, I was thinking about other things. And or even if I mentioned, what are you going to do this summer? Well, I kicked off my summer by doing a entire spa day.

What you spent a whole entire day at the spa? And I would get that question. Like I should feel guilty for taking a whole entire day to spend at the spa. And to me, that's guilt talking. That's not encouragement. That's not wisdom. And so now if I decide to take a spa day, guys, I am saying, yes, I own that. I'm taking time for me. I'm allowing myself to recharge.

So let's flip the script. Here are a few ways to reframe and tools that are going to help us embrace self-prioritization without guilt. Because it's important for us to prioritize ourselves to be guilt-free. One, let's talk about how we can reframe self-care as a responsibility.

versus a luxury.

SaCola Lehr (06:36.992)
If you want to lead, serve, love, or build, your energy and mental wellbeing are the foundation. If we are taking care of ourselves, that isn't self-indulgent. That's being strategic. And here's why, because that leads into the second part, the oxygen mask metaphor. I love this part.

I know a lot of people don't pay attention to this when they're on flights, but I do because I want to save my life and potentially others around me. So you've heard it when you've taken a flight on an airplane, the flight attendants will tell you to put your oxygen mask on first. Why? Is that being selfish? No, it's called survival because in order for us to help other people, we

gotta take care of ourselves. We have to put our oxygen mask on first because if we're trying to help other people on the flight and we don't have our oxygen mask on, what's gonna happen to us? So I love that metaphor, the oxygen mask metaphor, because when we're grounded, we're healthy, we're clear-headed, everyone else around us benefits. But if we're tired, stressed out, burnt out, mentally, emotionally, physically fatigued, who are we helping?

We're not even helping ourselves. So how can we help other people? We can also start small. Prioritizing ourself doesn't look like a long weekend retreat. It doesn't have to be that. It could just be saying no to one thing this week. It can be blocking out 30 minutes to sit in silence, to journal, to go for a walk or to take a nap in the middle of the day without feeling guilty. And that's the thing that gets me. When we were kids,

Our parents, our guardians, our caregivers, whomever it may be, may say, it's nap time. It's time to take a 30 minute nap. I never forget when I was in kindergarten, it was a requirement for a parent to get you a mat that you laid out on the floor. And in the afternoon, you were required to lay down. Even if you didn't take a nap and you didn't sleep, you were required to lay there and rest. And for some reason,

SaCola Lehr (08:59.98)
I think some kindergarten classes have gotten away from that. But what made it change when we were adults? we're adults now, so we don't deserve to take a few minutes of rest to shut our eyes, to reset, recalibrate, to recreate. Creating boundaries is not the same thing as building walls. And I want to make that clear.

because boundaries isn't about pushing people away. It's about honoring what we need to show up fully when it really matters. I have no problem saying to someone, thank you for the invitation, but this weekend I've had a really busy week and I am going to enjoy going home, sitting on my couch and taking a nap.

And honey, when I take naps, they're not 30 minute naps. I joke because my husband and I, we don't take naps. We call them naps, but we actually sleep. We sleep for three to four hours. My father, we joke with him. He calls it his senior citizen's nap. My father has worked for over 52 years, worked tirelessly. And when he comes home from work, he will take maybe an hour to two hour nap, get up.

get ready for bed and then go back to sleep. But he wakes up early in the morning, like 430 in the morning, but he has a nap and that helps him to recharge. That's his time. So I want you to say this with me, say this with me. If you're driving in the car, say it with me wherever you're on your walk, say it with me. I deserve to rest. My needs matter.

Taking care of myself is how I stay strong. Let's say that again.

SaCola Lehr (11:01.112)
Take a deep breath in, inhale. And as we're exhaling, say, I deserve to rest. My needs matter. Taking care of myself is how I stay strong.

SaCola Lehr (11:19.192)
So let me keep it real with you. I didn't always believe in this. I used to feel every hour and saying yes to everyone and thought rest was for later. I had the hustle mentality and that if I can't rely on anyone else to do this, but me, I gotta do it. I can't rely on other people.

and I gotta take care of it now or I'll take care of it later. But you know what? Later never came. And until I learned the hard way that burnout taught me what balance couldn't.

And I want you all to learn how to incorporate these things in your life before you've led to burnout. And if you feel like you're on the verge of burnout, I've also talked about this, about that silent burnout, that progression towards burnout, there are signs and symptoms that you will receive within your body that you know you're about to lead to burnout. Here's a challenge that I want to give you to take away this week.

I want you to choose one thing that's just for you and do it unapologetically, whether it's quiet time, setting a boundary or an hour of something you love doing. And when that guilt creeps in, remind yourself you matter too.

All right, guys, if this episode gave you a little light bulb moment or even a bit of permission to breathe, I'd love for you to share this with a friend who needs it. Tag me on Instagram at work it to live it own it. Comment in the post below, share this episode with someone and let's build a movement of women who prioritize ourselves.

SaCola Lehr (13:25.366)
and thrive in career and life. But don't forget to follow this podcast, leave a review, and check out the show notes for links to resources and more on self-prioritization tips. All right, guys, that wraps it up for this episode. Continue to Work it, Live it, Own it in your everyday lives. Take care.