73: What to Do When Caring for Everyone Else Leaves You Empty

[00:00:00] Have you ever felt like everyone depends on you and you've got nothing left to give? Like your life is on pause while you're pouring your life, your energy, your resources into everyone else. This isn't just exhaustion. This is a slow erosion of ourselves and far too many women. It has become the norm.

[00:00:21] Welcome back to another episode of Work it, Live it, Own it, the space where we talk honestly about what it means to thrive in our lives and careers without sacrificing our peace. I'm your host, SaCola Lehr, your work-life harmony strategist. And today's episode is a wake-up call for every woman who is tired, overextended, and secretly wondering when it'll finally be their turn.

[00:00:47] If you're raising kids, caring for aging parents, supporting extended family, or serving your community, you're holding it all together because people look at you and go, I don't know how you do it all. Man, she seems to have it all together. But let's get real. Who's holding you? And this isn't about guilt. It's about reclaiming your life while still honoring those you love. Because the truth is we deserve care too.

[00:01:14] So in this episode, we're going to talk about the emotional weight of the sandwich generation. We're going to dive into caregiving through a cultural lens because caregiving looks different for everyone else around the world. Then we're going to talk about family first, but what about you? Then we're going to dive into the guilt trap. And then of course, we're going to do some practical shifts to reclaim yourself without guilt.

[00:01:38] So without further ado, the sandwich generation, if you've never heard that term, the sandwich generation means typically when a woman is caught in the middle. They're caught in the middle of caring for both growing children and aging parents. And for some of us, we don't have children. My husband and I don't have children ourselves. However, we have the day-to-day. We have the work. We have to take care of home.

[00:02:03] We have other responsibilities. And our parents are getting older. So things are starting to look a little bit different. But for those who do have children, let's just use this example, okay? Because one minute you could be reviewing math homework with your children. And then the next you're refilling prescriptions and sitting in waiting rooms with your parents. You have become the rock, the ride, the reassurance, the routine. And somewhere in the background, your needs are whispering to you. Remember me?

[00:02:32] Here's a real life example of a recent interview and business insider with Rachel Pitchlobe. And she is the author of The Millennial Caregiver, Caring for Loved Ones in the Busiest Years of Your Life. She is a new mom at 29 and she found herself caring for a newborn and her father who had early onset Alzheimer's. It was nonstop. It was isolating. And it was a reality that hits many women who live in silence.

[00:03:00] Another woman I know fainted in a grocery store from sheer exhaustion from trying to do everything. She was trying to be the end-all be-all for everyone. And that was her body's way of screaming what her soul had been whispering to her for months. That you can't give from an empty cup. Now let's be clear. Caregiving looks different across cultures and traditions.

[00:03:23] So in many communities, especially Black, Latin, Asian, Indigenous communities, or any other communities across the world, caregiving isn't just expected. It's sacred. It's tied to honor, duty, and generational legacy. You don't put your parents in a home. And you don't say no. You show up. Period. That's it. And honoring that tradition is powerful. Here's a deeper truth, though.

[00:03:50] Cultural legacy should not come at the cost of your personal collapse. Respect and honoring your older loved ones doesn't mean that you erase yourself or you erase who you are. There's a difference between being present with love and being trapped by guilt. And we're going to get into that a little bit later. Because you can carry tradition and protect your well-being. That's not being rebellious. That's not rebellion. It's called evolving. And progressing.

[00:04:19] Now, I love to give this example because I had this conversation years ago. And this really stuck out to me. I was in a group at work. And it was predominantly women. And a woman who was recently divorced, single parent of three sons, had just exclaimed how she just wished she had time for herself. And I asked her, I said, well, how much time do you think you really need for yourself each day? And she said, oh, I would just love 30 minutes. Just 30 minutes myself. I said, okay.

[00:04:49] So in those 30 minutes, what would you love to do? You know, I really would love to take a bubble bath. Just a bath. Just quiet. Just me. Okay. So why don't you? And she said, well, when I get home, I'm cooking. I'm helping out with homework. And then my sons are gaming. And then I just collapse on the couch and I start binge watching something that I'm streaming. Okay. Well, can you take that app or whatever it is that you're using to stream? Can you watch it from your mobile device? And she said, yeah, I could.

[00:05:18] So can you possibly combine the two? Maybe take a bubble bath and stream watch what you want to watch while you're taking your bubble bath for 30 minutes. Oh, well, they just, and my sons just interrupt me. I said, okay, how old are your sons? The youngest one was in higher up primary education. The other one was in middle school. The other one was just about to begin high school. And I said, okay, well, if your sons are gaming and they're doing activities that they love and enjoy doing, why can't you do those activities?

[00:05:47] Do that one activity for yourself. And why don't you say, guys, you're old enough now. I need one of you to wash the dishes or put the dishes in the dishwasher. I need the other one to clean the countertops after he's done. And then the other one, I need you to sweep the floor. You're delegating responsibilities. You cooked to have a conversation. Sit down. Set boundaries. And when I say set boundaries, it's not looking like what it did look like in my generation growing up where people were like, no, I'm not doing that.

[00:06:16] And it's a one-sided conversation. And you need to respect what I'm saying to you. Setting and navigating boundaries can look like sitting down and having a conversation. You enjoy gaming, right? Talking to your sons. You enjoy gaming. You love doing these certain activities. Well, mom needs an activity too. Mom needs an outlet as well. So while you're doing this, if I cook, I would like for you to clean up the kitchen as a way to help and support me the way I help and support you. We support each other. So if I cook a meal, I would love for you guys to clean up.

[00:06:46] This is what I need from you. And when you're gaming and you're doing your activities, I need 30 minutes alone. Unless it's a fire alarm emergency, unless there's a fire breaking out, I need 30 minutes to myself in the bathroom. So do not knock on the door. Having those conversations. And after I expressed that to her, she felt a little lighthearted. But then another woman who grew up in a different culture said, well, she's a mother and she needs to put her kids first. Okay. You're right. Kids are very important. They need that support.

[00:07:16] They need that love. They need that nurturing. But this is where you get into the family first. But what about you? Because we're taught, if you love them, you'll sacrifice everything. But love does not equal self-abandonment. It does not mean that you need to abandon yourself. You can say, I need time to rest. You can say, I'm stepping away for a moment. And you can say, I matter too.

[00:07:42] One lady I know, she actually skipped five therapy appointments because she didn't want to leave her mom alone. And her mom has Alzheimer's and didn't remember a lot. But I tell you what did remind her. Her nervous system reminded her. Her breaking point reminded her. They remembered. And so when you start to crash and burn, your body has a way of telling you, hey, you need to stop. You need to reassess yourself. Don't forsake yourself.

[00:08:09] Because if you don't do what you need to do for yourself, can you really show up for everyone? But then what about that guilt? Oh, you know what I'm talking about. Let's talk about that familiar monster guilt. It whispers to you, oh, you're selfish. They need you more. You can rest later. Or depending on where you are in the world, some people say, I'll rest when I'm dead. Hmm, that's encouraging. That's a helpful thought.

[00:08:35] A listener once told me that she finally booked a solo weekend away after years of not taking a vacation. Only for her father to say, must be nice to take a vacation while I'm stuck at home. And do you know she almost canceled her vacation? Why? Because guilt feels like love. But it's not. It's fear disguised as duty. We need to learn to differentiate guilt from truth. And here's the truth.

[00:09:03] And this episode is going to be really tough for some of us because it's challenging us to look at expectations that has been placed upon us from family, from culture, from community, from society as women. And I'm your girl next door. I'm your friend in your back corner. And I'm going to have to give you some truth. Listen to this. You're not abandoning your people by choosing yourself. You're protecting the one person they rely on most. And that is you.

[00:09:32] And if you fall apart, if you crash and burn, if you suffer from burnout, if you don't have anything to give because your body will show you signs. And if you don't listen to those signs, your body has a way of making you stop altogether. So don't fall into that guilt trap. Don't allow other people to guilt trip you. It must be nice. And I've heard those things too. I can't believe that they moved away or did this or did that knowing that I'm not feeling well or knowing that I'm sick.

[00:10:02] And you know what? They're still thriving. They're still doing. But you have to choose to protect your peace. And you're also protecting the person that they rely on the most. And that is you. So now let's hunker down in how to reclaim ourselves without the guilt. I'm going to give you five practical ways to shift and reclaim yourself without the guilt. One is anchoring your why. I want you to say this out loud.

[00:10:29] So wherever you are, if you have some quiet space or you're alone or you can say it in your cubicle in your office, wherever you are. Say this out loud. I show up better when I'm nourished, not depleted. I show up better when I'm nourished, not depleted. Your health is not optional. It's the foundation of everything you give. Set some non-negotiables. I want you to take and create a top three list. Simple acts of self-care that are yours.

[00:10:58] Now, in the last episode, we talked about self-care. Now, self-care, I recently read in the Real Simple article, Real Simple magazine. And it was an article called Indulge in Setting Boundaries by Amy Macklin. And she interviewed Pooja Lakshmi. She's an MD and a clinical assistant professor of psychiatry at George Washington University. She's also the author of Real Self-Care. And she said how self-care is about discipline.

[00:11:26] And when we exercise it, that's when we actually set boundaries. She even mentioned how that most of her patients don't think of their own time and energy really belong to them. So here's how we're going to combat that. I want you to make a list of three simple acts of self-care that are yours without guilt, without apology. It could be a solo walk. It could be journaling time. It could be a hot shower or bath without interruption.

[00:11:51] It could be waking up before your children get up in the morning or before your loved ones get up in the morning. If it's sitting in the dark, light it with a lit candle, drinking your coffee or tea by yourself without interruption. So create a top three list of what you want to do as far as a simple act of self-care. And again, this incorporates self-discipline. You're going to have to create a habit of doing this. This is not going to be achieved by just a one-time thing. You're going to have to do this continuously.

[00:12:19] Self-care is also about identifying your values. I did an episode, episode 13, about your core values and how you can succeed in life and in career by having and establishing core values. Why that's so important. When you know what you really value in life, you're going to be able to set some non-negotiables. So I encourage you, if you have not heard that episode, check out episode 13 about core values. Then I want you to have brave conversations. I want you to talk with your loved ones.

[00:12:49] And I'm just going to give some prime examples here. I love being here for you. And I need to take care of me too. So I'm unavailable on Saturdays, but I'm going to check in with you on Sunday. Now, this could be for parents who are older, who do need some support, but they don't need constant support. Right? Or that family member who's going through a tough time. And you can just say, hey, I'll check in with you on Sunday. Okay?

[00:13:12] Because setting boundaries and having conversations with people, your loved ones, boundaries, setting a boundary does not equal betrayal. You're not betraying them. You're protecting yourself, making sure that you are thriving in order to show up for them. Another way is to find and accept help. Tap into some support systems. If you're an only child, that may mean looking at services or things out in the community to help support you.

[00:13:40] If you have siblings, that means sitting down and having an open dialogue discussion without ego, without trying to control situations with your siblings and ask for support. Help does not mean failure. Asking for help means being strategic. You're being strategic when you're asking for help. Doesn't mean you failed. I want you to redefine what being there looks like. Being present doesn't mean being everywhere at once. We can't be everywhere at once.

[00:14:10] It's impossible. So sometimes being there means showing up rested, emotionally whole, and truly engaged, and not just running errands on autopilot. Have you ever found yourself doing that? When you're trying to do everything at one time? And when I say multitasking is highly overrated, it can be highly overrated. Because I know there have been times when I'm driving in my car in traffic, and I have to look back and go, was that light red or green? Because you're on autopilot. You don't even realize what you're doing.

[00:14:39] I want to share with you a loving reminder. I want to give you a loving reminder for the women out there who feel torn about this. Because I've gone through the five steps, right? I've talked about anchoring your why, setting non-negotiables, having brave conversations, finding and accepting help, and redefining what being there looks like. But some of us may still struggle, may still feel torn. So here's my loving reminder to you. You are not a bad daughter. You are not a bad mother.

[00:15:08] You are whole, worthy, beautiful human being. Your needs are not burdens. Your desires are not selfish. You're allowed to choose you and still be loving, still be faithful, still be strong. One woman I interviewed started getting weekly massages. And I know we talk about self-care doesn't look like manis and patties or massages.

[00:15:33] But for her, she set this up because she said she wasn't pampering herself, but it was because that was the only hour she didn't have to be someone's caregiver. She said, it's the one time I just get to be me. And that's not a luxury. That's survival. And so when you set up appointments like this, think about these appointments as a doctor's appointment. When you set up a doctor's appointment, a medical appointment, it's a standing appointment.

[00:16:02] You show up nine times out of ten unless something happens, you really get sick or whatever, an unforeseen occurrence happens, you show up at the doctor's appointment. I want you to set some appointments up for yourself that you show up as a non-negotiable. And listen, guys, your life matters too. There will always be someone who needs us. But don't let their needs erase your name from your own life.

[00:16:26] You deserve to be a main character and not just a caretaker in the background of someone else's story. Here's a gentle challenge I want to leave with you this week. Make one decision this week in your own favor. Or cancel something that drains you. Say no to one request. Schedule something just for joy, even if it's taking a nap.

[00:16:48] And when the guilt creeps in, because it will, or someone gives you the guilt trap, you say to yourself, this is what love for myself looks like. If this episode touched a nerve, and it probably did for some, or if it gave you pause, share it. Send it to a sister, a friend, a coworker, a relative who's carrying too much.

[00:17:12] And don't forget to subscribe and leave a review because it helps more women find this truth that we are not alone. We are not selfish, and we are worth the care we give so freely to others. Continue to work at Live It Own It in your everyday lives. Until next time, I'll see you in two weeks. Take care.