77: True Friendship vs. Fake Support: How to Build a Circle That Lifts You Higher

[00:00:04] Have you ever felt drained after talking to a friend or noticed how certain people disappear when it's your time to shine and to celebrate your wins? Not every person in your circle is worth a front row seat in your life. The relationships you nurture can directly impact your purpose, your peace, and your progress. And so today we're going to be digging deep into the question, are the people in your life lifting you up or weighing you down?

[00:00:32] This conversation could be the reset you didn't know you needed. Welcome to Work It, Live It, Own It, the podcast where we're helping women to harmonize their lives and career. And in today's episode, we're going to be diving deep to something that is close to the heart because we're talking about the power of true connection.

[00:00:56] The kind of relationships that nurture your purpose, sustain your well-being and encourage your growth. I'm SaCola Lehr, your hostess and work life harmony strategist. And if you're here for the first time, welcome. And if you're coming back again, thank you so much for tuning in.

[00:01:13] And so in this episode, we're going to be covering what real friendship looks like, why having a supportive circle matters for your personal and professional life, how to spot the red flags and avoid toxic patterns, what to do when friendships hurt you, and how to be the kind of friend you want to have.

[00:01:35] And hey, if you have a question you'd like me to answer on a future episode, head over to workitliveitownit.com and leave me a message. I'd love to hear from you. So without further ado, I want to answer this question. And this is what prompted this episode. The question from a listener who said, I have a friend who only shows up when she needs help and disappears when I have wins to share.

[00:02:04] Is this a sign of a toxic friendship? Short answer is yes, absolutely. Because a true friend, in my opinion, is there for your struggles and your successes and your wins. Real friendship is mutual. It's built on trust, encouragement, and respect. If someone can't celebrate you, it might be time to create distance or set some new boundaries.

[00:02:31] And a conversation might help clarify the dynamic. But if nothing changes, that's your answer. So you get to decide whether it's something that you're willing to overlook, whether you're wanting to have a conversation to clear things up. And once you have that conversation, if nothing changes, you have your answer, whether that is a true friend or not. So listener, I hope that answered your question today.

[00:02:59] So let's dive in and talk about what is true friendship. So let's get grounded. I love this proverb that says, if you walk with the wise ones, you will become wise. But if you walk with the stupid ones, you will fare badly. Now listen, that can be kind of harsh, right? However, it is so true because the people closest to us shape our thoughts, our energy, and even our habits.

[00:03:27] A true friend is emotionally safe. And they respect your time and your boundaries. They're not going to push you into constantly doing things that you don't want to do or you have no interest in. Genuinely, they're happy for your growth, despite whatever is going on in their personal life. And they're willing to listen and offer support when asked for or needed.

[00:03:52] And these are the people who water your spirit, not drain it. Now, let's talk about some of the red flags to watch out for because toxic friendships aren't always obvious. Sometimes they're subtle and even masked by charm or shared history. But over time, patterns start to emerge. And so here are a few things to pay attention to.

[00:04:21] If your conversations leave you feeling depleted. If what you're saying is constantly being dismissed, interrupted, or invalidated. Are they constantly gossiping? Giving backhanded compliments? Are you seeing patterns of jealousy or envy? Lack of reciprocity. It's always about them.

[00:04:46] If someone constantly oversteps your boundaries or diminishes your voice, that's a red flag and you have every right to protect your peace. But what if a friend hurts you? Let's pause here for something deeply real. You may ask yourself, why did my friend hurt me?

[00:05:12] And listen, this happens even to the best of friends. One day you're inseparable. The next day, you're strangers. What happened? Sometimes a sweet friendship turned sour because a misunderstanding occurred. You're growing in different directions. Expectations weren't communicated. One or both made mistakes. And remember, we're all imperfect.

[00:05:42] So a brief conversation can often repair a minor rift. Other times you begin to realize you're no longer aligned. So again, you have to ask yourself, do I still value this friendship? Is this something I want to repair? I like to think of it this way. I want you to think about your favorite pair of shoes. You might have spent a lot of money on those shoes.

[00:06:11] You have to ask yourself, is it worth keeping? Or do I take them to a shoe repair place? Or in some places, they call them cobblers, to have them fixed. If there's too much damage, or they don't fit anymore, you might need to let them go. And that's the way to look at a friendship. I want you to reflect on what happened

[00:06:38] without placing all the blame on them. Ask yourself, could I have contributed to this in some way? And reach out. When you do reach out to talk to them, reach out in a calm way. Don't do it when you're angry. You could try something like this. Can we talk about what happened? And listen with an open mind. Because another proverb that I love states that,

[00:07:06] an enraged man stirs up contention, but one who is slow to anger quiets down quarreling. So wait until you've cooled down before you attempt to resolve the situation. And when you do approach your friend, remember that your goal is not to play the blame game. Your goal is to settle the issue and restore the friendship. So some friendships are worth mending. And others are a reminder

[00:07:34] to honor your growth and move on. And one more important note, I want to make note here, is if a friend is experiencing severe depression or expressing suicidal thoughts, you're not betraying their trust by helping them. Reach out to a trained mental health professional or crisis hotline in the U.S., dial 988 for the Suicide and Crisis Lifeline. Every country has resources.

[00:08:03] Remember, helping is an act of love. Because again, true friendship isn't about portraying confidences, but in this case, you are showing love to your friendship. So what do true connections or meaningful interactions look like? Here are some things that you may want in your circle. You may want people who cheer for you when you win. You want friends

[00:08:33] who value trust and mutual respect. You want a safe space when you're not performing, you're just being yourself. And those, you want those in your life who honor your boundaries, your privacy, and growth. And here's the key. You get what you model. So be the kind of friend who listens deeply, protect confidential conversations, uplift others

[00:09:02] without jealousy or envy, and forgive and know when to speak up or let go. Respect others' conscience and choices. You're not always going to agree on everything. And also remember that sometimes we outgrow people and that's okay because you're allowed to evolve. Let's focus on

[00:09:31] getting deeper into this and how to be intentional with your circle. Because if you're not finding the kind of friends you want, maybe it's time for you to reevaluate what you're looking for. Expand your environment. It may be someone older than you, someone that may be a little bit younger than you. But the most important thing, despite the age group, ethnicity, race, whatever it is,

[00:09:59] look for admirable qualities, not just shared interests. Make the first move. Start the conversation. And I know this can be challenging for us introverts out there. But ask and take a genuine interest and say, what's something that you're passionate about lately? Because best friendships often start with curiosity and kindness. You don't wait to be chosen. You choose to be present.

[00:10:28] And that's the benefits of being vulnerable and how they far outweigh the risks of speaking up and starting a conversation. But again, the goal at the end of the day is to be the kind of friend that you're looking for. So if you're looking for admirable qualities, you must have those and express those and be those things in your life first. If you want good friends, you have to be a good friend first.

[00:11:01] Here's some final thoughts. Strong relationships help us. They help us to live longer, manage our stress more effectively, and feel seen and understood. This is where we thrive, guys. They're not emotional luxuries. Friendships are not emotional luxuries. They're a critical part to our well-being. So today, I want you to take stock. I want you to take inventory on the people

[00:11:30] in your life who make you feel lighter. Reach out to them and thank them. If you see them celebrating a win and they may post it on social media and they didn't call you, don't be upset because they didn't call you and personally didn't tell you. They're just probably putting it out there on social media to share with everyone. Reach out to them, leave them a message, leave them a video message, or pick up the phone better yet and call them and say, hey, congratulations, I saw that you posted this,

[00:12:00] I'm so happy for you. and that also means being happy for someone else despite what's going on in your life. That is a true friend. Or sometimes you just reach out to them and say, thank you, I value and cherish our beautiful friendship. And for me, I've had the same best friend since I was four years old and sometimes you know what we like to do? I know this may sound a little old fashion and archaic, but we actually write

[00:12:30] letters to one another from time to time or just send a card saying I'm thinking about you in the mail. And I can't tell you, when I do get a note or a message from a friend or card in the mail, it warms my heart because it's not a bill, it's not a solicitation, it's a genuine loving sentiment. Also, take a look at who is weighing you down. And if they are weighing you down, it might be time to set some

[00:13:00] boundaries and have a conversation. And then also take a look at who's new but promising. Again, they don't have to be in your same age group. They don't have to share the same interests as you. Widen out your scope. And take a chance. And remember, if you have a question about friendship, boundaries, or any episode topic, head over to work at live and own it.

[00:13:30] And drop me a message. I'd love to include your question in an upcoming show because your question might just help someone else. Now, listen, guys, we all deserve real, genuine, meaningful interactions and true friendships. A circle that doesn't compete with your growth but protects it. Surround yourself with people who make you compassion.

[00:13:59] Start by becoming the kind of person you want in your life yourself. If you want more compassion, be compassionate. You want more genuine connection? Be that person. You want someone who respects your confidentiality and doesn't spread lies or gossip about you? Then be that person yourself first. Share it

[00:14:29] with a friend, leave a review, and let's keep creating a space where real conversations happen. Until next time, guys, continue to work it, live it, own it in your everyday lives. See you in two weeks. Take care.